Beer money

Southampton are going down. There's no doubt about it. It's been a long time coming but finally this execrable team has got its comeuppance. Put a tenner on it and then you can have a pint courtesy of Harry Redknapp.

Meanwhile, I'm downing a very pleasant White Russian after polishing off some very agreeable white wine. I'm not sure I could live without alcohol - does that make me an alcoholic? Somehow I don't think so. A few jars helps to calm the nerves after losing a $500 pot to a 1-outer (happened just 10 minutes ago). And I honestly think I play better poker after getting a few in me.

That said, I am concerned. My doctor tells me I'm drinking too much. But I never actually get smashed, I just drink moderate amounts throughout the day. I haven't been smashed since Coyote Ugly, and that was clearly the Camel's fault. I mean, we keep buying him Tequila Slammers, and then he keeps saying he doesn't like them! What a fucking P-U-S-S-Y. Well, I'm not going to just leave it sitting there on the bar, am I?

Anyway, as Spillano said to me the other day, it's a good job Keith didn't drink them. We'd have needed a helicopter to deliver him back to his room in one piece.

I pride myself on being a relatively hard drinker, and able to look after my companions when they're too far gone. Spillano and I got fucked at Sandown a couple of years back, and he was in no fit state to get himself anywhere other than a police station. Just remember Spillano, it cost me 50 quid to get us a cab back to Battersea. We'll call it a score draw.

Still, I don't see that there's a lot wrong with a few sherbets, as long as I never become an unpleasant drunk. When I get fucked I just want to throw myself around a dance floor and tell everyone how much I love them. Some people are just cunts though. Fortunately the only two drunks I know are Spillano and Lawrence, and they're fine when drunk. All Spillano does is spend Channing's money and ingratiate himself with ladies of the night. All Lawrence does is... well, drink more. My father was a big drinker for probably 30 years and I don't think I ever saw him totally smashed. All I remember is one night when we were on holiday, taking a barge down the Thames. My father and his friend Ian went out on the lash one night whilst Ian's son and I stayed on the boat playing Connect 4. We didn't have a clue where they'd gone. Eventually they staggered back to us in high spirits, although they seemed strangely disinterested in the fact that I was the new Connect 4 champion. I've always resented that.

If I ever become an unpleasant drunk, just tell me. I won't take it badly. It's better than being a cunt when sober (Paul Alterman springs to mind). As Winston Churchill said... ah, forget it.