Viennese whirl (part 1)

There are definitely too many people in the world. Living in the middle of nowhere I sometimes forget this, but travelling outside the confines of sunny Binfield always acts as a stark reminder. And most of them are cunts.

At Heathrow on Friday afternoon I was confronted by inexplicable swarms of people. Does nobody work anymore for fuck's sake?? Too many people with too much time and too much money. Tossers. So after checking in, Lady Miros and I were faced with a half-mile queue through security to the departure lounge. Roll on Terminal 5.

Fortunately, Alice is even more impatient than me, and she was having none of it. Spying a gap in the rails near the front of the queue, we slipped in and squeezed ourselves in between punters, idly trying to look as if we'd been there all along. Predictably our ruse provoked outrage. Most vociferous in their ire was an ageing, pompous pair of twats who took it upon themselves to act as queue police. "Get to the back of the queue!" cried the husband, his face a contortion of thunderstruck rage. I was so taken aback by his look of apoplexy that I abandoned my apologetic instinct and told him to "make me". This failed to meet his approval.

Over the course of the next few minutes, yer man ordered us to the back of the queue at least 17 times, his face reddening progressively every time I ignored him. He seemed particularly appalled at my assertion that queue-jumping was not against the law, and that there was, in fact, nothing he could do about it. Clearly he wasn't accustomed to a position of such powerlessness. At one point he said menacingly: "Come on, get to the back... or do you want me to call someone?" I really had to bite my tongue to avoid some sort of Ghostbusters quip. Eventually he did accost a passing official, and explained in full detail the extent of our crimes. She gave him a withering look, and walked away. After that he gave up.

Later I explained to Alice that we had undoubtedly earned some really bad karma. What goes around comes around; that's a pretty solid rule. Of course, she poo-pooed me, which is fair enough. Anyway, bad karma or not, I would still do it again. It gave me a fantastic buzz.

And, of course, it merely proved my earlier assertion. Most people are just cunts.