Lord Miros and other animals

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Back to the blog, I suppose

Well, what a couple of weeks it's been. I've learnt a lot of important lessons in the last fortnight or so:

1. Although a bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream may only be £5.50 in my local liquor store, that in itself is inadequate justification for downing the lot and playing 10-20 pot limit omaha with my entire Pokerstars bankroll.

2. Dedication is what you need. After struggling for weeks and weeks to cadge myself a free holiday in the Bahamas, I then manage to win Lady M her very own invite at practically the first time of asking. Lucky slut...

3. The NFL is very very easy, and everyone else is very very stupid, and if only the sodding Packers had scraped their way another 10 yards to the endzone in the dying seconds I would've been another monkey richer. It's not fair that I should be poorer even though I was so damn right.

4. We've got our blender working, and it's fucking marvellous. Now all I need is some really mental stuff to blend up. I suggested the guinea pigs but for some reason Alice is against the idea. Food is boring because then you're meant to eat it, and frankly I don't want to, I just want to blend stuff. In my darker moments I toy with the idea of putting my foot in there, just to see if I can, and what will happen, and whether it would really hurt as much as I think it would. Fortunately I know from previous experience that if I dare myself to do something, then I can damn well do it, so the foot is safe for now, at least. But just so you know, I COULD put my foot in a blender, if I really had to. It's only a foot, after all. I've got a spare one, and to be honest I don't find much use for that. Anyway, I digress...

I know these lessons themselves probably aren't a sound grounding for a stable and mature human being, but I'm definitely getting a sense of progress. I get the feeling there are a lot more lessons to be learnt, although whether I want to learn them is debatable and whether I will succeed in learning them is improbable. I think I'm getting somewhere anyway, at least for now.

If anyone can think of any interesting lessons they've learned recently, feel free to join the debate. Bear in mind that if I don't like what you say I will almost certainly delete your comment and tell everyone I know that you're an almighty cunt. *

*Which, let's face it, you probably are.


At 12:26 AM, Blogger uncle monty said...

I have recently learned that harry Redknapp is a twitchy judas scum cunt. Well not learned exactly, more re-inforced my opinion.

He is a self-serving cunt of the highest order.

At 4:05 AM, Blogger Lionel Hutz said...

I recently learned that sleeping with a fat Geordie Lass that looks like Billy Bremner is probably not going to happen if i dont down a bottle of Tequila for a bet.

At 5:32 AM, Blogger Jo said...

I've learned quite a lot of things lately, but I don't want to talk about that because I'm far more intrigued by your blender... I always wanted a blender, but I heard they're hard to wash up after you've used them (I have a washing up liquid allergy) I suppose you probably get Alice to wash up when you're done?

I think there's lots of interesting stuff you could blend. I've actually made up a recipe you could try. Why don't you try blending the following ingredients -

Grass and leaves and stuff. Cows and animals eat it, haven't you always wondered what it tastes like?

Harvey's Bristol Cream, at only £5.50 a bottle it has to be a value ingredient. Provided poker is avoided post-blendering.

Your Foot. I like your 'just because you can' reasoning here, it would certainly be interesting to see what would happen. Although I suspect you're right and it would just hurt a lot, which wouldn't be exactly fascinating. On the other hand (...foot?) the degree of foot damage could be interesting, I wonder how many toes you would lose, if any? I do really like the idea that you can dare yourself to do something and damn well do it. That's a very admirable quality, one that's sadly lacking in the majority of people. But I'm not going to dare you with the foot here, I know you could do it, as do you. I'm actually going to suggest a sock instead. Bit lame I know, especially compared to a foot, but you would be even lamer if you stuck your foot in a blender. So for no real reason ingredient number three is a sock.

Happy blending!

Yes I am a cunt, and proud of it! You can delete this now if you like.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger Richard Oakley said...

At least there's no danger of you liquidising your penis, unless your blender is 2cm high ...

At 1:16 PM, Blogger Zonergem said...


After calling Mrs Great Man a slut he'll be lucky to get it wet at all...

At 6:55 PM, Blogger Derek & David said...

Gutshot shame!

David Lloyd unmasked as Baby Jane on "Derek and David" forum!


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