I love my wife

JETS YTD: +£45,513 (although it might as well be a million, their top two QBs are fucked for the season, marv)

Warning: readers of a nauseous or bitter disposition should not read the following entry. Go and have some nice biscuits instead.

Well, it's been a long while since my last real blog entry. My most humble apologies. As you can imagine, I've had rather a lot on my plate, although that's not really a viable excuse. The truth is I'm just damn lazy and, as I said elsewhere, the blog started to seem too much like a job. If I'm not enjoying something, I won't do it. Still, I'm back now and, hopefully, ready to roll and update regularly. I make no promises though.

Loads of mad shit has happened in the past few weeks, with mercifully little of it being poker or gambling related. Obviously the most significant event was the long-awaited marriage to my beloved soulmate. I may recount an anecdote or two about the wedding another time, but not today. Today I dedicate my thoughts to my stunning and beautiful new wife, Alice Mary Louise Purle.

It's honestly quite overwhelming to think that I now have a wife. I don't feel like an adult, so how can I have a wife? I don't feel grown up at all. I've never felt grown up. I don't even have a job, how can I be allowed to marry? What an amazing and baffling feeling this marriage lark is.

Anyway, the fact remains that I really am married, both legally and before the eyes of God, (even though he's just a pathetic human construct, but we won't discuss that now). And even though I jested in my speech that everyone would be invited to my next wedding, I'm afraid it's never going to happen. This is the one and only time Lord Miros will ever be married, that I can guarantee. Alice and I were made to last.

I feel I owe a lot to Alice. She's responsible for me becoming the more mature, well-rounded and sociable person I am today. When I first met her, (at university), it has to be said that I was a bit of a prick. Predictably, I was initially only interested in her because I wanted to get my nuts in; I wasn't even considering the possibility of anything long-term. And when it came to stringing girls along, I was an old hand. All my previous dalliances had simply seemed like amusing experiments. I enjoyed the charming, the seduction, the chase, the flirting, but it was never sincere. Never once. It was just a means to an end. I told them what they wanted to hear, but in reality I couldn't have cared less about them. You could say I was a bounder. I'd say I was a cunt.

I broke it off with girls at the drop of a hat, as soon as another one hoved into view. I'm ashamed to say I never stopped to consider the emotional impact it was having on them. Paradoxically, I also became dangerously obsessed with girls whenever they rejected me, which was quite often. I guess I was just a huge mass of insecurity. Alice was a different matter.

I remember in the early days, Alice and I were bounding along the high street in Exeter, and from nowhere she suddenly exclaimed: "look at the lampposts! I LOVE lampposts!" After I stopped laughing, I realised she had a point. I love lampposts too. Lampposts are the dogs bollocks. I'd just never stopped to consider it before. In fact I love lots of ridiculous crap which before now I'd looked upon with a very ambivalent eye. That's how my darling wife has influenced me. She has infectious enthusiasm for practically everything, and I love it. It reminds me how great everything is. Above and beyond that, she has a lust for life. That's what she gave me. That's why I owe her.

At first I thought Alice was just naive. I cynically believed that time and experience would dissolve her carefree nature. I'm glad to say I was wrong. In the seven years I've known her, she hasn't changed a bit. Touch wood, she never will. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Without Alice, I don't know where I'd be now. It's impossible to imagine I could have met anyone else as wonderful. I'd probably be well on the way to alcoholism, or a life of crime, or heroin addiction. Alice gives me a purpose to keep myself in line. She is my reason to live. I said in my speech that she is the only person I would give my life for, and I meant it without hesitation. If I had to die for her, I would. Her life is worth a dozen of mine.

So there you have it. That's my wife. She's also my best friend, my confidant, my therapist, and my rock. So any girls who are reading this, wet with desire just from reading my words, I've got bad news for you - Lord Miros is off the market. For good. You'll have to make do with one of the 3 billion other lads. I know, I know, please don't cry. Time is a great healer; you'll get over it one fine day.

I know this has all been sickeningly trite, but it had to be said. I want everyone to know how much I love my wife. If there's anything to be learned from this, it's that you should all go out there and find your very own soulmate. They're bound to be lurking around somewhere. Trust me, it's fucking marvellous.

Oh, and don't fuck with her at the poker table. She may be a sweet little kitten, but you'll also have me to answer to, and I'm a murderous bastard. Don't say I didn't warn you.