Ei ei

The snooker World Championships have been occupying my attentions all week, not from a betting perspective but as a form of mindless relaxation. There's something strangely hypnotic about watching two grown men poke balls around with sticks. Especially with a Guinness or three on hand, marvellous.

Yesterday I posted the latest addition to my inglorious tipping career, under the title 'Free Money', telling you all to back Shaun Murphy on both the outright and handicap markets against perpetual snail Peter Ebdon. You can imagine what happened next. Peter Ebdon started playing the snooker of his life, and I felt like a cunt. So I deleted it.

Happily, yer man Murphy has won today's morning session 7-1, which puts him firmly in the driver's seat. Thank fuck for that.

Meanwhile, Ian McCulloch is busy putting Matthew Stevens to bed in the other semi-final. I'm doing some serious funking here as I've had all of £18 on McCulloch at 50-1. This game's too easy!

On another topic, I hope some of my loyal readers - Andy Ward, Camel, etc. - are going to get stuck in to this evening's 250 at Luton. I hate having to buy my own drinks. I've probably played some of the worst hold'em of my life recently so I may even not win it. However, I am bringing Lady Miros, so you'll still have to settle for second. Soz.

Youthful fantasies

The bullshit that people come out with at the poker table never ceases to amuse me. Once, in a completely silent cash game on Stars, one of the combatants suddenly came out with the immortal line: "yeah, she had HUUUGE breasts, and she loved me sucking them." This was swiftly followed by: "oops sorry, wrong table."

Ever the cynic, I took it upon myself to investigate, and discovered through the technological wizardry of the Search feature that our friend was, of course, nowhere else to be seen. Which made him appear really rather sad. Upon confronting him with this irrefutable evidence, I was met with stony silence. Quelle surprise.

Further hilarity ensued just this evening, when I witnessed the following exchange in a $10 rebuy comp:

NoLimitProPP: Man, I love these tournaments. So much value.
idareyouAA: I hear you dude
NoLimitProPP: I've won this tournament like, 5 times this year
idareyouAA: Wow, 5k for 1st, pretty cool
NoLimitProPP: Yeah, this site rocks, so many bad players
idareyouAA: You ever won TLB?
NoLimitProPP: Nah, I play too much on Paradise, I like bigger comps on here tho
idareyouAA: You ever won the 100k on Sunday?
NoLimitProPP: 4th my best, not too shabby
idareyouAA: Cool.

After some rather dubious play from our masterful hero, he manages to spunk his large stack in one hand with Ace-high (to yours truly). The break begins straight away and his bum chum reminds him to take the add-on.

NoLimitProPP: Hey man, can you meet me on table Bollockov?
idareyouAA: Sure, why?
NoLimitProPP: I need you to dump $2 to me. I've only got $8.95 in my account.

Priceless!

Twenty questions

Here's a fun quiz which everyone can try:

1. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling? A couple of lectures when Newton Abbot was on, does that count?

2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy? Only when Lady Miros is doing her cobblers on Betfair.

3. Did gambling affect your reputation? What reputation????

4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling? Almost every time.

5. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties? Once or twice.

6. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency? I never had any in the first place.

7. After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses? Sometimes.

8. After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more? Who wouldn't?

9. Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone? So you've seen me in the Nugget then.

10. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling? Well, Pedro was practically throwing it at me...

11. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling? Only my dignity.

12. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures? No.

13. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family? No.

14. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned? Obviously.

15. Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble? I never have any worries, so no.

16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling? No.

17. Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping? You must be joking.

18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble? The urge is always there, so no.

19. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling? See 18.

20. Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling? No.

9 out of 20 for me, pretty good I think you'll agree. But apparently 7 or more makes you a compulsive gambler. Marv.

I can't help thinking they could have saved me a lot of time and effort by narrowing it down to one question:

1. Are you a sicko? Yes.

Suicide is feckless

While watching the hours dribble away in between some cynical hit-and-runs on Stars and my daily doses of Grand Theft Auto, I've been busily re-reading various reports and threads on the suicide of Andy Glazer. It never ceases to amaze me that people can commit such a selfish and pointless act just because they're depressed. For fuck's sake, GET OVER YOURSELVES. Have a nice cup of tea and a wank, life really isn't that bad. I know, depression is not just about being unhappy, it's a medical condition, blah blah blah. When I left university I suffered depression for a few weeks for no apparent reason, and yes, it wasn't nice, but at least I was still alive. Why the hell would anyone want to eradicate themselves from existence? Bollocks to that.

I mean, there's so much more you can do with yourself. If you've given up on life, at least try to have some fun before you die. Go and do all the mad stuff you've wondered about but never been able to do because of moral or legal constrictions. Rob a bank. Take some heroin. Beat the shit out of someone you really hate. Fuck it, why not? If it's a choice between that or death, I know which road I'd travel. And if you've got any religious qualms, then a) you shouldn't be thinking about suicide anyway, and b) you're a twat.

But hey, this is one of the problems with being a so-called higher form of life - everyone thinks they're so goddamn special. All people can do is think about their problems and their desires and their successes. Do animals ever get depressed? Perhaps, but they sure as hell don't kill themselves, because it's unnatural. No, not even lemmings - the lemming mass-suicide myth was started by the Disney movie Wild Wilderness in 1958. But people are wankers, and people who kill themselves really must be the most unpleasant, lazy, self-absorbed, worthless form of wanker. So at least they deserve it.