Cometh the hour, cometh the man

Ok, so admittedly it's been a while. I'm sure you've all missed me. While I'd love to say that I've been travelling the world, or climbing mountains, or even, most laughably, working really hard, I'm sure most of you would clock this as the outrageous lie that it is. Then again I also haven't been in a coma, or prison, or some sort of drug-induced stupor for the last 13 months. Let's just say I've been busy and leave it at that.

One exciting bit of news is that for some reason the psychos who run my local boozer have made me captain of the Aunt Sally team. Mentalist! Clearly they didn't realise that no bugger in history has ever been reckless enough to burden me with any meaningful responsibility, but to be fair I'm coping extremely well. Admittedly my suggestion of no sex or alcohol in the 24 hours before a game was not well met, but other than that I've discovered the whole captaincy experience to be quite a thrill. The only low ebb so far was when 4 mysterious lads signed up for an away match at the Jolly Farmer, assured me half an hour before the match that they would be there, and promptly failed to show, leaving us with half a team. Perhaps the fact that they were regulars at the Jolly Farmer should have aroused my suspicions of a stitch-up. Ah well, you live and learn.

Obviously the high point involved a large measure of personal glory for yours truly. In last week's match at the Elephant & Castle most of the team put up a dismal performance, the first seven of us scoring a miserly 6 from 42 sticks. This left The Great Man needing to score an unlikely 3 from 6 sticks to win the leg. I nailed it in five, to the delight of shrewd in-running punters, followed by my trademark 'fuck you' dance in the faces of the opposition. We lost 2-1.

Still, it feels good to be in charge of something. I've never been captain of anything in my life. At school I had the dubious honour of being the only boy in my house not to be made a prefect (possibly owing to a small getting-drunk-and-smashing-up-my-study incident). If only they could see me now!

Anyway, bugger off now, I can't doss about on here all day. Some of us have teamsheets to write.